A Quantum of Santa Royale

Ho Ho Ho.

Tis the season to be Jolly.....Roger.

This is the time of year when people exchange gifts, workplaces have "secret Santa" gift exchanges, and the exchanges have exchanges, then after the holiday you exchange everything. Well this place is no different. We have a "secret Santa" deal and I choose to play the part of Ebeneezer Scrooge and not participate. That is to say, not participate on paper; because after all the best secret Santa is the Santa that is the most secret. So secret, this Santa should be granted "00" status. Now that I think about it, to be granted "00" status you have had to "off" two enemy operatives...hmmm... yeah, lets just say this "secret Santa" is more of a CIA one until i"off" 2 Santa's.

So...

I thought with all the workplace funnies, it was time to give something back; literally, I gave something back. I rounded up a bunch of "white elephants" that I received and assorted "workplace promos" and re-gifted the empty bags that I received as "gift bags" from family, friends, associates, etc. I filled these bags with the random crap, and added some surprises to the gift bags already under the tree, (like a good Santa does) then randomly assigned a lucky (or unlucky) recipient, and replaced the secret gifts around the tree.

Ah the confusion as one lucky person received a grooming kit and a 2 oz can of "Sardines in tomato sauce"; go ahead, math that one out all day and you will have to call it a draw. The real comedy is when you can see WHO gifted to WHO, just by the look on their face! They are really confused when the gift they thought they had put together with some thought is quite different; Sometimes to their horror! The person receiving the "gift" is kind of bewildered as to "what kind of idiot would buy this as a gift?"

Ah, I am that kind of idiot.

Don't let the door hit you in the earhole.

Sqeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

Like a good 15 to 20 seconds of it.

Its as if a door could fart, and it is now 20 mins after a chili eating contest that this door had won!
The red arrow points to the unintended offender; the door with newly dry hinges, and a slow closing pneumatic arm... it just drags out the high pitched squeak.
Any guesses who the Cubicle wall in the foreground belongs to?
That's correct! It belongs to Mr. sensitive ears.
He has not arrived yet this am but everyone in the vicinity has a hurt abdomen from laughing already. Everyone is just picturing his irritation every time someone travels in or out; its a variation on the old game of Russian Roulette. Unfortunately, some unlucky victim is gonna walk square into "Why didn't you close the door!? Who let's it just close on its own?! Can't you hear that!?"
Oh the comedy...
Pair that with the four air-raid ringer time bombs and the pre-arranged afternoon snort -fest.

We may actually see him snap.

Its a sick world.

So I tanked the network on my way home, big deal.

BSOD? OK that was fun.

Still, that's marginally satisfying AT BEST. No, I think something more dramatic is in order to satisfy the sleeping sadist I keep hidden under my tiny black heart.

Mr. Sensitive ears is just not himself lately. Well, he is himself if that is an unconscionable ball-busting bastard; to that end he is a RAGING SUCCESS. What I mean is that he is not.............."happy". Not happy like you and I getting told there are strippers in the break room, no nothing so dramatic. Happy for him: moody, gloomy, sitting quietly at his desk making people miserable via e-mail, over the phone and other chicken-shit means.

I think the guy just needs some sunshine and fresh air.

How do you make someone like this, sitting atop his throne of suffering, go get fresh air?

The thought had crossed my mind to have his car towed, but that's so temporary.

Well fear not and wonder no more, because I figured it out: He needs a smoke break.

Yes, he is a smoker. He used to have a personal rule that he would not smoke at work. Then I started working for him and VOILA, smoking at work; 2 to 3 times per day actually. I quite honestly don't see the correlation between supervising someone like me and craving nicotine, but never look a gift horse in the mouth.

Back to the strategy: How to get those breaks to "multiply" (all for his benefit of course). Well I started thinking, everyone is some level of "sick" with the low temps these days so, there is obviously a virus of some sort making the rounds.

A VIRUS. Not a computer virus, but the good old fashioned kind that used to wipe out civilizations. So follow my logic here: a virus makes people sick, my boss makes me sick, a virus starts out as an annoyance, just like coughing is an annoyance for my boss, you get rid of a virus by making your bloodstream inhospitable and the virus leaves or dies. Well, I doubt he will die, but I think I have my answer:

Make his area inhospitable, just like kicking out a virus! The subtle level of coughing, sneezing, throat clearing, flem ejecting, nose blowing was just not cutting it. So I decided to rope in two more co-conspirators and we began our bodily functions holiday parade! I elected to start with throat clearing every 30 secs, this other dude decided upon a nice holiday "coughing fit" once every minute or so, and the last dude elected to stop blowing his nose and just sniff the mucus in and out repeatedly. (I am laughing as I write this) believe it or not it was timed like a symphony and not obvious. I was proud of our mucus recital.

Sure enough the groundhog made his appearance ALL KINDS of PISSED and stormed out for a cig.

YAY! He is getting fresh air!

This was so successful that he left and did not return.

SEE! I knew that all he needed was a snoot full of that crisp winter air and he would see that it was a great day after all!

Yeah.

Well..... there is an outcome when you are stressed: You make stupid judgements.

For example: what if I park my car wherever the HELL I feel? It's "kinda" out in the road, but those drivers can eat my ass! The whole world and sick people and noisy people can eat my ass!

Well they didn't eat his rectum, but they wrecked into his car door.

You can't make this shit up.

Pictures tomorrow. (if he drives it in)

If I am elected, I will address the U.N. like this...

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=48471503

You need headphones, and its only about a minute, tops.

Cease and insist.

So my lifelong friend we will call..."Todd" told me that I should elaborate more on yesterday's festivities. I take Todd's advice because he has always been my moral compass. Unfortunately, I usually steered us in the opposite direction but he has always been there for me...all except the one time he tried to take a corkscrew turn by the mall at 70mph. I think I cried a little that time and I had to question what the hell we were doing as the rear end of the car skipped three times, tires barking with each hop. That time and the time we decided to break into a satanic church but that's it.

Come to think of it, Todd is not a very good moral compass.

Anyway, back to the aftermath of yesterday's fiasco..
We were told to "wait here" while the situation was evaluated.

So we waited...FOUR FRIGGIN HOURS.

Then we had a meeting that reminded me of every concession speech I have ever seen. Based upon the body language of my supervisor, the speech should have went: "We tried our damnedest to make you stay here bored with no power nor internet for four more hours, but its becoming obvious to even our staunchest supporters that this is simply an admission that "we don't trust our employees." So we were allowed to go "work from home" until the power and internet were restored, which was going to take approximately 6 to 8 hours. Seeing that I was off work at 3pm and it was 10:20am, if you count lunch, I was golden for the day.

Yeah you would think.

At 1:20pm I received a call from the other guy in my dept. He said "The boss wanted me to tell you that he INSISTS that you return to work because the internet and power have been restored.

~Silence~

I reply "Does he realize that I am 40 mins out and I will have a grand total of ONE HOUR to work?" and the dude replies "Yes. ( it was a stupid question on my part, the man has no soul.. of course he knows.)

"OK I will be there, see you in 40 mins. I arrive on the scene livid yet on the surface I am calm and collected. I sort my e-mails and read what a fragile state the jury-rigged internet access is in right now so be careful and close any unneeded programs and open nothing extraneous.

Well isn't that interesting....

I review to an e-mail where it was determined that an unnamed piece of company software was spiking our bandwidth and out of fairness to everyone, we should only use it sparingly and before 8am whenever possible to preserve precious bandwidth.

Isn't that more interesting....

This is a pretty simple math problem about what happens next.

Fast forward to 2:59 and 3 opened pieces of software...

I actually watched the titanic sink in real time; it was a sight to behold, as the first picture shows. Oh its, ......3PM!

LOOK AT THE TIME!

I WOULD LIKE TO HELP BUT GOTTA GO.

This writes itself.

Some comedian in a semi, tagged the central internet and power supply for the entire complex at 6:52 in the A.M. yesterday. How do I know the time? Well I was here, drinking a hot beverage, crying that my ship has not arrived yet, when my internet access took a huge DUMP. Well, that and the lights went out. The smell of electronic smoke from the server room was a subtle hint that not everything was "kosher". We lost all voice mail, stored and otherwise, e-mail was down for most of the day, and our way overpriced tools were inacessible. I have to admit defeat to the truck driver, because honestly, what could I do to top this? (see below, and see you tomorrow)

Signs? I have my reservations...

I have seen the signs... and they are everywhere.

Fortunately, so has everyone else to the point of complacency. There are so many "official" signs that no one bothers to check them anymore unless they are directly affected, and as we all know NOW, they never question authority; they blindly follow all directions and accept their discomfort and fate, blindly.

Enter the conference room reservation schedule.

These are put on the front of the conference room door every morning by the Receptionist, under penalty of DEATH!

Side note- Anyone who tries to make the case to me that Receptionist is an easy job, obviously has never done it. At one point our management, in its infinite wisdom, thought that the "Receptionist" position could be done on a rotating schedule. I refused my turn stating my position that this is a difficult and stressful occupation for which I haven't been trained, nor was hired for in my job description, nor would I ever apply for sober. I was told that by refusing, my job could be "in jeopardy" since the case could be made I was being, "insubordinate".

I made sure to copy my reply and further refusal to Sr. Legal, the CEO, the COO, the CFO, the Chairman of the board and of course, my boss. To this day, I have not had to do any receptionist duties. Moving on..

So what if you wanted your own office instead of a cubicle? A nice conference room sized office, quiet and without any neighbors to speak of. Luxurious leather chairs, a giant table to work from, an LCD projector for big screen entertainment, a giant wipe off board with a rainbow of colored wipe off markers, and a high quality speaker phone. How would you accomplish this?

Its easier than you might think.

Take the reservation sheet that is taped on the door and photocopy it.

Open a "notepad" and type "Sales conference call STFU - CBS".

Yes, it means what you think, but the "C" is for "complete" - anyway now print it.

Cut it out from the newly printed page and use some "scotch tape" to adhere to one of the lines early in the day, run to the photocopier, and VOILA you have a BOOKED conference room for as long as you wish!

Oh yes, they will scramble to figure out how that got booked yet it vanished from our conference room booking software! Obviously its real because the sign says so! Who makes a sign, and how else would they do it? Its IMPOSSIBLE! No one told them but they HAD to have used the computer because here it is! It EXISTS! Its in print! Its the law; ITS BOOKED, and we can't change it at this late date.... you will SIMPLY have to reschedule.

Tranquility is the mode I operated under today. I made a few high powered phone calls to some high powered people, from my high powered office. That, or I made some lunch plans with friends, but either or, I mean what's the damn difference? Its my office for the day, and when I leave, the non-existent sales person will have to explain themselves.

My clever rebuttal for "You were in the conference room all day weren't you?" will read something like this:

Nuh uh.